SMS Jokes

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by slick, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. Seen

    Seen Moderator

    Messages:
    3,217
    As in real life, Steve, there are different rules for those in charge :thumb
  2. Steve_uk

    Steve_uk Well-Known Member BANNED

    Messages:
    3,421
  3. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    9,977
    None of us knew until you brought it to our attention Steve:wasnme

    I thought Seen was talking about him running that red light and £60 quid fine.
  4. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    9,977
    And for the record I've just told Moan's Punts Pharoe joke and she's pissing her sides.
    Punter likes this.
  5. Punter

    Punter Moderator

    Messages:
    6,616
    lol

    You've been the new owner for too long now Seen, you're just the owner now!

    Here's one i'm sure you'll appreciate..


    Apparently, I can't say "Black paint!" any more.

    I have to be PC and say, "Please paint that wall, Leroy."
    slick likes this.
  6. Seen

    Seen Moderator

    Messages:
    3,217
    Much better :thumb
  7. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    9,977
    I met my wife at the local Arthritis support meeting.

    You know, when two people just click:leaving
    Punter likes this.
  8. Punter

    Punter Moderator

    Messages:
    6,616
    Went to visit my dyslexic friend only to find him rubbing black boot polish onto his penis! " you muppet" I said "you were meant to turn your clock back"
    Kegman, Seen and slick like this.
  9. Seen

    Seen Moderator

    Messages:
    3,217
    Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher.

    I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order.

    The boss reckons I am dishlexic.
    Kegman, Punter and slick like this.
  10. Kegman

    Kegman Moderator

    Messages:
    2,126
    A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
    The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
    "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
    "Yes," the Labrador replies.
    After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
    The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
    "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
    "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
    The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
    "Ten quid," the owner says.
    "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
    "Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.
    Punter likes this.
  11. ONEDUNME

    ONEDUNME Administrator

    Messages:
    9,509
    My wife wants to move so I've spent all day looking at properties with "period features".

    She hates it when I call her that.
    Punter likes this.
  12. Seen

    Seen Moderator

    Messages:
    3,217
    A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!"

    I think it was Farmer Geddon.

    :lookaround
    Punter likes this.
  13. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    9,977
    I saw my mate 'one arm Charlie' this morning.
    I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
    He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
    Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said, “Do you need any help”?
    Not really” he said. “I still have the receipt.
    Punter likes this.
  14. Kegman

    Kegman Moderator

    Messages:
    2,126
    Did anybody watch the tv programme the other night about the sleepwalking nuns ?

    Apparently they were roaming catholics.
    Punter likes this.
  15. Seen

    Seen Moderator

    Messages:
    3,217
    Do They Know It's Christmas lyrics on black people..

    "The greatest gift they'll get this year is life."

    I'm fed up with black people being stereotyped as criminals.
    slick and Punter like this.
  16. Punter

    Punter Moderator

    Messages:
    6,616
    Girlfriend just told me to stop singing Oasis songs...
    I said maybe
  17. Colbro

    Colbro Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,155
    Oasis opened a restaurant serving just soup

    When asked if they would serve bread too they said no but instead they would get a roll with it
    Punter likes this.
  18. Howson

    Howson Active Member

    Messages:
    646
    Had a knock on the door earlier, somebody asking for donations to the local swimming pool.

    Gave them a glass of water
  19. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    9,977
    I had a knock on the door too, somebody asking for a fiver for a drink as much as you want bash.

    I paid up and he gave me a ticket to the local swimming pool.
  20. Punter

    Punter Moderator

    Messages:
    6,616
    Paddy...."i've been shagging these two twins"

    Mick...."Really, how can you tell them apart?"

    Paddy...."It's easy, Julie's got blonde hair and Derek has a moustache"
    rcgills likes this.

Share This Page