SMS Jokes

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by slick, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. rcgills

    rcgills Moderator

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    :lol
  2. Kegman

    Kegman Moderator

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    Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*

    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

    The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

    'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

    'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

    'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

    She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

    'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

    Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

    Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

    Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

    'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

    'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself..'
  3. slick

    slick Administrator

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    Not the best of sms jokes is it Keggers:lol
    That would take me about 3 months to type out on the wee phone I have.
  4. Kegman

    Kegman Moderator

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    Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet and says its got epilepsy.
    The vet says "it looks calm enough to me"
    Paddy says "I haven't taken it out the fucking bowl yet!"
    slick likes this.
  5. Kegman

    Kegman Moderator

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    In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
    In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
    In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
    Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
    Punter likes this.
  6. ONEDUNME

    ONEDUNME Administrator

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    :lol
  7. slick

    slick Administrator

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    :lol
  8. Punter

    Punter Moderator

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    :lol
  9. Seen

    Seen Moderator

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    Some twat's nicked my thesaurus :mad:

    I have no words to describe how angry I am.
    Punter likes this.
  10. Punter

    Punter Moderator

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    I've just started dating a girl with Psoriasis.

    Cracking fanny!
    slick likes this.
  11. Seen

    Seen Moderator

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    Another that's a bit long for an SMS joke but made me lol...

    ~~~~~

    A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

    The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

    The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

    They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

    Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

    The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
    He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

    His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe.”
    slick, Punter and Kegman like this.
  12. Kegman

    Kegman Moderator

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    The young lass next door just confronted me about missing items off her washing line... I almost shit her pants!!!
    slick likes this.
  13. Seen

    Seen Moderator

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    After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:

    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance.

    As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

    The ugly chav woman stopped swearing long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

    I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone fucked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda."

    My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
  14. Betfly

    Betfly Member

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    Man goes to the doctor with earache. The doctor says "I'm afraid you're going to have stop masturbating."
    "Really? That's causing my earache?"
    "No it's upsetting the nurse."
    slick likes this.
  15. slick

    slick Administrator

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    :lol
  16. slick

    slick Administrator

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    I loved my girl friend Lorraine in the beginning, but for a long time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out , and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

    I felt bad about it at first then realised.......... I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
    Punter likes this.
  17. ONEDUNME

    ONEDUNME Administrator

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    Or Deirdre
  18. Punter

    Punter Moderator

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    Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..

    He kept nudging me!
  19. slick

    slick Administrator

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    Just ordered some Chinese food.
    Deliver man said "£20"
    Oh I said, do you know what Katie Prices son is called ?
    He said "Harfey Pwice"

    I said "cheers Mucka, here's a tenner now fuck off"
  20. slick

    slick Administrator

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    Just looking at the results and so far a solid start to the season for Lion King FC:
    - a win away
    - a win away
    - a win away
    - a win away

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