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SMS Jokes

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by slick, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. rcgills

    rcgills Moderator

    Messages:
    3,890
    Ask her if she likes Paris. Ask her if she likes Madrid. Assuming she says yes, tell her to be sure to tune in to BT Sport 3 tonight at 7:45.
    slick and Punter like this.
  2. Seen

    Seen Moderator

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    3,274
    I keep being asked what I'll be doing in 2 years time. How the hell would I know...I don't have 2020 vision...
    slick and Punter like this.
  3. Punter

    Punter Moderator

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    6,847
    It's that cold I've just seen a lad with a Liverpool shirt on with his hands in his own pockets.
    rcgills and slick like this.
  4. slick

    slick Administrator

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    10,445
    lol

    Has the 'Beast from the East' hit you southern softies yet Punt?
  5. Punter

    Punter Moderator

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    6,847
    I'm a midlander (west) so cant speak on behalf of the Southern softies.

    But yes, i've just boiled the kettle to fill my hot water bottle :lol
    slick likes this.
  6. slick

    slick Administrator

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    10,445
    We're still dealing with the pest from the west, no sign of the Beast yet up North.
  7. Punter

    Punter Moderator

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    6,847
    Hope you've got plenty of wood chopped for the burner. It's coming.
  8. slick

    slick Administrator

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    10,445
    It's never gone from here Punt, it's been in the minuses for the last couple of weeks.
    The benefit of the snow is that I might get a few days off work as the country comes to a halt:naughty
    Punter likes this.
  9. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    10,445
    Took me 1 and half hrs to get to work this morning on what is usually a 30min journey because of the snow, well not so much the snow but silly cnuts that can't drive in the snow, if some of those cnuts were going any slower they would be driving in reverse, amount of people driving and slipping in first gear too was unbelievable.

    So coming home I came out of work 15 mins earlier because it was blowing a blizzard and got home in 20 mins:lol, every bugger must have been waiting for it to blow over.
    Looks like more of the same tomorrow if not worse because it's been snowing all night and is now 4 or 5 inches deep.
    Punter likes this.
  10. Seen

    Seen Moderator

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    3,274
    I've had a great idea to scare the shit out of my neighbours...

    [​IMG]
    Kegman and Punter like this.
  11. slick

    slick Administrator

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    10,445
    I'd shit myself too If I thought there was a Giant knocking about in the snow with a couple of toes missing.
    Seen likes this.
  12. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    10,445
    A Fat woman is walking past a pet shop. Outside is a parrot in a cage. The parrot says "Oiii!" and the woman says "What?", "You fucking big fat ugly bitch" replies the parrot. Obviously insulted by this, the woman storms off down the street.

    The next day, she's walking past the parrot outside the pet shop and again it shouts "Oiii!" to which the woman replies "What?" again. "You fucking big fat ugly bitch" replies the parrot and again the woman storms off.

    On the third day, the woman is passing the pet shop again and once again the parrot shouts "Oiii!", the woman says "What?" and the parrot replies "You fucking big fat ugly bitch". This time, the woman has had quite enough and enters the pet shop, tells the owner what the parrot has been calling her and that if it does the same again the next day, she'll go the police. The pet shop owner reassures her that he'll sort it out.

    The following day the woman is once again walking past the parrot when it shouts "Oiii!", the woman replies "What!!!?" and the parrot replies .... "You fucking KNOW what!"
    Punter likes this.
  13. Punter

    Punter Moderator

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    6,847
    I'm old enough to remember the worst two Winters in the 1960's.

    Mike and Bernie.
  14. slick

    slick Administrator

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    10,445
    Those two really did steal a living, the bloody dog had more talent.
    I've never met anybody who liked them or found them funny.
    Punter likes this.
  15. slick

    slick Administrator

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    10,445
    Took my missus to the doc to sort out her Tourette’s. Turns out she doesn’t have it, I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.
  16. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    10,445
    Bride on her wedding night says to her hubby
    "I must confess I was once a hooker"

    Hubby responds
    "That's ok love, your past is your past but I must admit I find it quite erotic, tell me more about it"

    She says "Well my name was Dave and I played for Wigan Warriors"
  17. Seen

    Seen Moderator

    Messages:
    3,274
    The Magnificent Seven filmed an aftershave commercial at Liverpool's football ground. Well, 6 of them did actually because Yul never wore cologne.

    :leaving
    slick, Kegman and rcgills like this.
  18. rcgills

    rcgills Moderator

    Messages:
    3,890
    That's terrible. And it made me laugh :lol
  19. Punter

    Punter Moderator

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    6,847
    I think that's the third time it's been done in this thread Slick lol

    Seen, that's a proper dad joke. Terrible lol
    Seen likes this.
  20. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    10,445
    lol, thought I'd heard it b4

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