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SMS Jokes

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by slick, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. winrew

    winrew GILF

    Messages:
    2,034
    It’s sad news about the NME.
    I used to keep mine in a pile near my bed, just in front of my US sitcom DVDS. I’d keep my Friends close, and my NMEs closer.
    Punter and slick like this.
  2. rcgills

    rcgills Moderator

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    4,019
    :lol
  3. Punter

    Punter Moderator

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    7,008
    My wife has just left me due to my love of horse racing...

    She's at the gate, and she's off!
  4. Kegman

    Kegman Moderator

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    2,286
    I don't know how to tell you this as it's very difficult for me to say but Ken Dodds dads dog's dead.
    slick and Punter like this.
  5. rcgills

    rcgills Moderator

    Messages:
    4,019
    A policeman's just knocked on my door, told me my dog's been chasing people on bikes.

    Told him it can't be my dog, he's not got a bike.
    Punter and fcbasher like this.
  6. Seen

    Seen Moderator

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    3,328
    Just found out my best mate took an overdose of indigestion tablets....I cannot believe Gav is gone :frown
    SAMOAN and slick like this.
  7. slick

    slick Administrator

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    10,754
    My doctor assured me that it's quite normal to get an erection during a prostate exam.

    "But I've not got an erection" I told him.

    " No but I have." he replied.
  8. ONEDUNME

    ONEDUNME Administrator

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    10,076
    :lol
  9. slick

    slick Administrator

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    10,754
    I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.

    He had a Wigan address.
    Punter likes this.
  10. slick

    slick Administrator

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    10,754
    The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop. Then she slipped it up her fanny... I said, "Careful with that, love. You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!"
    Punter likes this.
  11. ONEDUNME

    ONEDUNME Administrator

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    10,076
    :roll
  12. slick

    slick Administrator

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    10,754
    The police came to my door tonight holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife?" Shocked I answered, "Yes". They said, "We're afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said, "I know, but she takes it up the arse, does the cooking and she's good with the kids”.
  13. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    10,754
    A man gets home from work and says to his wife, 'get me a beer before it starts'. So she brings him a beer and he drinks it, 'Get me another before it starts' he shouts, so she brings him another beer and he downs that one as well. 'Get me another fucking beer before it starts' he shouts at her again, listen hear you lazy fat bastard she shouts at him you walk in here sit down and start barking orders...................Fcuking hell its started already
  14. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    10,754
    I was talking to a French guy last week and he said "If it wasn't for Zidane's sending off in 2006, France would have won 3 World Cups now".
    I replied "Surely you're not bringing up that old chestnut again".
    Punter likes this.
  15. ONEDUNME

    ONEDUNME Administrator

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    10,076
    :lol.
  16. Kegman

    Kegman Moderator

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    2,286
    Took me ages to get the Wigan address joke.

    I thought it must be an 'english' thing that i wasn't getting. Even tried saying it in a funny manchester accent and then the penny dropped

    :spaz
    Punter likes this.
  17. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    10,754
    :lol
  18. slick

    slick Administrator

    Messages:
    10,754
    Last night at the gym I found a hole in my trainer just big enough to squeeze my finger into.

    I’m now banned for a year.

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